We've all heard the mantra of "only good vibes" or "no low vibrations". While they are good in the moments of needed restorations, we must understand the value and the need for moments of discord with others.
When we avoid the "bad feelings" of being mad, we are short circuiting valuable life lessons and growth opportunities. Anger is a natural human emotion. It can be triggered by many different things, such as the feeling of being powerless or the feeling of being unfairly treated. We all have a right to set boundaries and say what we will and will not accept. Boundaries are important for our physical and mental health. They help us put anger in a constructive form instead of destructive patterns of resentment, hurt feelings, or guilt.
Why is Anger Triggered?
In order to know how to set boundaries, it's important to know why anger is triggered in the first place. Understanding where the anger comes from can help you bring awareness in future situations and also identify when you need support from others around you.
Why I Was MAD MAD
I learned that I typically get angry when I feel my personal things or space are being disrespected. I tried for years to be more relaxed and open to others doing what they please in my space. I did this to make others more comfortable and not be as ‘high strung’. This method only brought resentment and more anger. I was attempting to dampen anger. This never works. So I decided to find out why I was so angry about others making messes in my space or touching my things. Here's what I learned: I grew up with four siblings, each one rowdier then the next. They were loud, messy, and destructive. The fact that I loved them did not deter me from the honest truth that I did not want to live in the same house as them. I was conflicted because they broke my treasured doll house, wore my favorite clothes, left muddy shoes on my favorite power puff girls rug. I quickly learned I couldn’t control that environment. I vowed that as soon as I was on my own I would CONTROL EVERYTHING in my space.
The issue with making Control the solution for anything is that you cannot control everything.
I soon learned, however that I could not live in a "clean room" and still be a functional, social adult. For example, I had bought a brand new all white microfiber couch. I was excited to showcase it in my new apartment. My friends came to visit. One started to feel ill as the evening progressed. I worried about my couch, but my friends always tease me about being "OCD" so I decide I was going to be "easy going" and "chill" for their sake. Long story short, every-time I saw the stain that was left on my couch that night, I became upset. I value friendships more than couches so I made a conscience effort to not care about it. But I did care. And I was upset.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!
The prolonged anger wasn't really about the couch, the friend, the stain, or the cost. It was another example of me being out of control. This negative experience only reinforced my need to control. It was a repeated scenario of my childhood home showing that others will cross your boundaries, damage your things, and you are powerless to it. I was feeling powerless. That was what my anger was telling me.
I was mad at myself. I did not follow my first mind and protect my belongings. This resulted in damage. But what was worse, my fear of being seen as controlling dictated my actions. When I acknowledge the anger was at myself and not at the situation it was a lot easier to forgive. I now understand my mistake.
I set the tone for my life. I know what I find acceptable and unacceptable and place a fortified boundary line between the two. (Here is a simple table to go over your life boundaries) Simple questions like, "what do I want to share with others," or "what do I not want to share with others" will help you fill out this chart.
Acceptable | Unacceptable |
| |
| |
| |
| |
What are Boundaries and Why do They Matter?
Boundaries are essential for the well-being of everyone in a space, such as:
-Safety and security
-Privacy
-Cooperation
Your boundaries can be anything you set, but they need to be clear, consistent, and respected by all.
Make a space to share with others and have spaces that are only for me that I set the boundaries for. This has come in handy a great deal with raising a family. My bathroom is not touched by another person. I share plenty of other things. Stay out of my bathroom. Boom. Boundaries.
I am very forgiving of mistakes. I find it unacceptable to have disregard for my place and things. It's a constant balancing act. The anger is my indicator when boundaries have been crossed and an opportunity to correct the situation.
How to Establish Appropriate Boundaries with Others
It is important to know when and how to establish appropriate boundaries with others. Boundaries are necessary in order to maintain a healthy relationship with others and with oneself. They can prevent people from taking advantage of you and help you maintain your sense of self-respect.
Boundaries are not only about what we say or do, but also about what we allow others to do or say. They also involve our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It is important that we set limits in all aspects of our lives so that the boundaries are clear for everyone involved.
I have personal boundaries regarding what is allowed in my space. I do not care to police or control others behaviors but it is important that I am firm in what I find acceptable in my life and remove myself from the other person if it causes undue hardship.
How to Respect and Honor Your Own Boundaries
Boundaries are a way of setting limits for ourselves and respecting our own needs. They are a way of saying "no" to people who want too much from us, or when we need to take care of ourselves.
If you don’t respect your own boundaries, how would you expect someone else to?
Nurturing your Spirit.
We all have boundaries. These are the limits we set for ourselves, and they can be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual in nature. Our boundaries protect us from overstimulation and help us feel safe in the world. Nurture your Boundaries, Nurture your Spirit!
Comments